the nights when i couldn't wait to get home to write in my life journal.
to post pictures of all my adventures...
to look to see how many if any comments i had gotten.

those nights slow disappeared and now when i update i don't put too much thought into it.
my pictures get posted on facebook.

i think i'm going to bring my livejournal back to life,
and not just with one sentence updates.

we will see how long this lasts.

brett dennen show last night equals amazing.

so i decided to baby sit on thursday so that i don't even have to worry about the chance of wanting a date.
i don't even think i want one.
i just don't want to tell people i don't have one.



pretty much i just want to get all dolled up.



um. brett dennen is on saturday. i'm very excited!

i had an awesome day...
FALSE

one of my favorite bands broke up.
it turns out i really was a rebound.
i gained like 45148570194387 pounds.

i'm ready to curl up in a ball.


p.s. i'm ditching my phone for a week... maybe.

life sucks...


that is all.

this face might clogged toilets... but it also wins 175.00 bucks in football pools!


you've got to love a wildcard win.

i plugged a toilet.


opps.

i know i should regret some things.
yet those things that i should regret
are some of the best times i think i have had.

i have been changing a lot lately
and i really like the adult i am turning into.

the things i should regret are
turning me into the woman i've always
wanted to be.

i really like life right now.

i'm just sitting at home with a smile
on my face just because i know who i am.

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it
in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor
to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the
following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the
donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for
$10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to
buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could
run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public
opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten
your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot
happier and live longer!

becky is hot hot heat

i am lost.
not lost physically.
not lost emotionally.
not lost from God.
but lost socially, maybe.


i don't know what it is.
maybe getting used to living alone.

i should be grand right?
God and i are sooo close.
i'm having fellowship, but i'm still not sure what the problem is.


i want to go out.
i want to get really dressed up.
i want girls night.

but i guess i would need some close girl friends here to do that.
ones that don't want to get drunk and then go to church the next morning.
i don't want to feel so alone and so old.

i want to come home so i can just call somebody at the last minutes notice for lunch.
i want to have somebody to call randomly to hang out.

i work.
i go to school.
i have church.

pray for me and my confusion.

mood: apathetic

A few random thoughts before I start studying for my final that I have in biomedical ethics tomorrow.

I called my friend Dan today. It was weird. I don’t know how to explain it. Dan is one of my best guy friends ever. Actually just one of my best friends ever. We can be so honest with each other. He knows almost everything about me. Well I mean all the stuff that is appropriate for a girl to tell just guy friend. Anyways. When I got off the phone today I got the strangest feeling that I was acting like a girlfriend to him. That is not okay, seeing as how he is the boyfriend of my good friend Danielle. Even if that weren’t the case it would not be okay. It left me feeling very weird. So after that, what is the first thing that goes through my head? I need to call Dan and tell him what I felt. AHHHH it was horrible. Now I’m scared to call him. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to bake off from my friend. I know if I did he would think he did something wrong, but I don’t want to feel like I need to tell him thing…but when I don’t he gets sad. Its hard, but he is such a great friend…

Also. I was thinking in the shower tonight about grades. I was wishing that there were some way they could grade me based on my common sense. I have a very good amount of it I think. I also tend to think that I am more book smart then I actually am. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. Then I got to thinking, would I rather be really book smart and not so much common sense smart or the other way around like I already am. Then I got sad. Sad cause I relieved I was just common. I had the same sense that is common among people. Isn’t that a sad thought? I’m just a common average smart girl. I need to excel in something…. but I fear that I don’t.
Some people think that I do in different areas, but I think I just fake it well.
I’m just an average girl. Maybe a little louder then the average, maybe a little more outgoing, maybe even a little more colorful from tattoos, but in all honestly I’m just an average girl.

I wish this thought made me happy and content…but I really want to be extraordinary at…. Something.

location: chico music: feist

today was interesting...and not so much in a good way.
I feel like the Lord is preparing me for something scary.
Its a really weird feeling I have and I'm not excited for it.

Today in class a girl randomly passed out.
Not just passed out but stopped breathing and didn't have a pulse.
My teacher and a fellow student gave her mouth to mouth and CPR.
The paramedics came and took the girl to the hospital.
I wasn't weirded out by it at all... I was just numb.

I got home and talked to my mom on the phone.
A good friend of my sister's from a camp she worked at Committed suicide this weekend.
It turns out it was a guy that had basically lived at our house for about 6 -10 months a few years ago.
It was weird to hear about it.
He did it cause he was going to get in some serious legal trouble for something.
I would have never guessed he would do what he did.
I wasn't weirded out by it at all... I was just numb.

This evening I went to go feed my fish.
He was dead.
He is still currently in his bowl...dead.
I wasn't weirded out by it at all...I was just numb.


I'm being prepared for something and I just don't know what it is.
I'm numb today.
I think I might actually have a real problem with emotions, I have the lack of them.

so i made a comment to my dad this last week of how my body is growing up and it won't let me sleep past 8 in the morning no matter what time i go to bed.
my lovely papa said well thats good now maybe your mind will act like a 23 year old.

how does a 23 year old act?
should i be off dating horrible men and having lots of drunken nights in bars?
this is why i didn't want to turn 23 cause now i need to figure out how i should be acting.
i know i don't act my age.
i want to though.
i even googled to find out how i should act but couldn't find anything.

please enlighten me. how should a 23 year old female act?

i've decided that i'm not ready to turn 23.
so in regards to you mr. birthday.
thank you but no thank you.
i'm glad that you have come because
that means i'm still living.
but i wish not to celebrate you.
the anniversary of my birth with be just
another day this year.

Second attempt, another try at writing. You would think that since I read a lot I would be decent at writing by default. Well judging by what I wrote earlier we both know that that is not an accurate assumption. As I sit here trying to write something profound and worthwhile for you to read I start to appreciate all the author’s work that I’ve read before. People like John Steinbeck, Dan Brown, and Danielle Steel… okay don’t worry I’m joking about the Danielle Steel. Is it fair for me to compare myself to fiction writers while I am in a completely different genre? Well that being that I can even consider myself a writer at this point. How about I just classify myself as a novice avid storyteller. Agree?

My life continues to be a series of events that I assume is leading up to something over whelming and grand. This thought is what gets me through the mundane everyday things. Wouldn’t those two lines be perfect to start off a depressing book for suicidal emo kids? Just image the next cult classic written by a novice avid storyteller. But don’t worry this is a writing somewhat about me and I like to think I’m far from being a suicidal emo kid.

Though this might be a short entry I still find it utterly profound. Maybe not for you, the reader, but for me, the writer, yes. I know it should be the other way around but right now I’m writing to inspire me not you. If you need to be inspired go read the Bible!

This morning activities included me sitting on my couch and watching a very lovely looking gentleman exit his car. Which he very thoughtfully parked across the street from my living room window. When I say nice looking I’m not talking about a cookie cutter blonde frat boy that looks like he just moved here from “The O.C.”. Yet rather the type of guy that looks like he took longer to get ready then me. He was fully equipped with his messenger bag across his neck and his ear buds in his ears. I have no doubt that they were attached to an iPod listening to Action Action or the newest Rufus Wainwright music. Yes this is the very lovely looking gentleman that I watched walk down 5th street towards Downtown. You would think that my mini stalking adventure would stop there…. You’d be wrong I must sadly admit. After this extraordinary event took place I spent the next two hours sitting and staring out my window waiting for him to come back, not so I could talk to him, just so I could stare. Don’t worry I know, I have a problem and its called men with massager bags.

Sitting there and feeling not the slightest bit cool I decide to relocate, to get a better view in case he comes back…I go and sit on the front porch. I didn’t sit there as long as I did on the couch. I gave myself a set time limit for before I went out there. I told myself I would sit there for one full listen of a Head Automatica CD. I put on the CD, grab a Dr. Pepper, and the latest John Steinbeck book I’m reading and headed out the screen door. Once on the porch I become an instant Dr. Pepper magazine ad for one of those underground indie ones, not that Dr. Pepper would even advertise in one of those. Yet, if they did I have a perfect idea for them. Picture this. A 22-year-old girl who looks like she is 17 sitting in a pair of slightly too tight jeans that give her a muffin top and a layered blue tank with a pink shirt over it. The pink shirt is short sleeve as to show off her faded tattoos that she didn’t put sunscreen all the previous summer and with over sized sunglasses that cover most of her round freckled face. She hair is auburn red from a box and looks like she just rolled out of bed and put a headband in it to make it look “done”. She sits on the steps with her cell phone and a perfectly placed logo showing Dr. Pepper. It was beautiful really. Just the thought of it makes me want a Dr. Pepper.

With my pose all set all I needed was him. Well my new fascination does not show up by the time my CD is done so I’m forced to go and look for him. I left my house and start off into Downtown. I end up at the naked lounge seeing as how I tend to end up there a lot because it is the prime spot for messenger bags that are often attached to men. He is not there. I end up staying and decided to write. This is the outcome. If his car is still there when I get back I fear that I will spend another two hours on the couch and one more on the porch. There really is no point. I lack the guts to say anything to him. What would I say? Hi… I’m a stalker and you are my new victim.

i love it when i go to a coffee shop to do homework.
i pull out my macbook and my books for class.
i plug in my headphones and open itunes.
i put my computer off to the side and start my reading.
i take notes in my books for like the first 2 hours.
which leaves me just having my macbook sitting there.
bridget's (my macbooks name) whole reason for being on the table
is to play my music.
i use her as the biggest ipod it seems, even though izabel (my ipod) is in my purse.



:)

"I hate women who complain about being fat when they're like a size five. Anything under size five isn't a woman. It's a boy with breasts." -Anita Blake